The decisions you can't make alone

What a $500 traffic ticket taught me about marriage  ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌

September 24, 2026   |   Read online Navigating the Carpool Lane: How Couples Make Decisions Together Some decisions are yours. Some are mine. And some can only be made with both of us in the car. Hi Kevin A, A few days ago, Adrienne walked into Blaine's office with exciting news. She'd been invited to speak at a high school girls' conference in her hometown. Blaine set her up with a couple of seasoned speakers to help her prepare. How to Make Big Decisions Together When he came back into the room, the plan had grown. Adrienne was now thinking she should go back to school and get a master's degree in theology. Blaine could have said, "Absolutely not." He could have said, "Sure, go for it" just to avoid the conversation. Instead, he asked a question: "Why do you want to do that?" Not a yes. Not a no. Curiosity. That one moment is the heart of this week's Change the Odds podcast episode, where I walked Blaine and Adrienne through their decision in real time. It's also the heart of Chapter 11 of The Creation of Us. Marriage is an endless series of negotiations We tend to measure marriage by its milestones: the wedding, the first house, the big career move. But a marriage is actually built in the ordinary rhythms. What's for dinner. Who handles the car. Whether this weekend is already too full. Most of our disagreements aren't moral battles of right versus wrong. They're collision points between two different backgrounds, personalities, and sets of values. How we navigate those collisions sets the emotional climate of our home. In Stay in Your Lane, I wrote about personal responsibility and knowing what's mine. The Creation of Us expands that framework into three spaces: what belongs to me, what belongs to you, and what belongs to us. The carpool lane This weekend I'll drive my mom to the airport. On the way there, I can hop in the carpool lane and get there in a hurry. But if I'm not careful, I'll hop in the same lane on the way home by myself. That's a $500 ticket. Some decisions in marriage are just like that lane. You can't be in it alone. Carpool lane decisions (we decide together) Moves and career changes. Relocating or quitting a job reshapes both lives, not just one. Family and financial crossroads. Adding to your family, taking on significant debt, or planning for retirement requires an "us" strategy, not a solo move. Seasons of crisis. When a health scare or family emergency hits, a trusted partner helps steady us. The weight was never meant to be carried alone. Solo lane decisions (you're free to drive) Personal growth and daily rhythms. Your devotional life, exercise habits, hobbies, and friendships. Domains you've been trusted with. If one of you owns meal planning or car maintenance, you don't need a committee vote on every detail. Personal creativity. How you set up your workspace, your creative outlets, your own professional development. A healthy marriage doesn't require a unanimous vote on everything. Trying to decide every little thing together creates exhaustion and bottlenecks. Freedom in your own lane is a gift, not a threat. When one lane merges into another Here's where it gets tricky. Many decisions start in one person's lane and merge into the carpool lane. Adrienne gets to decide what she does with her time. That's her lane. But a three-year degree that costs money, time, and energy has ramifications for the whole family. Now both of them need to be in the car. So how do you make those decisions well? A few things we talked through on the episode: Eliminate the bad options together first. Before arguing over the best choice, agree on what's off the table. For the Neufelds, moving across the country and spending $100,000 a year wasn't an option. Neither was doing nothing. Every "no" you agree on builds unity before you ever reach a disagreement. Refuse the either/or. "Seminary or comedy" is a false choice. Very rarely in life are our options only A or B. The goal is to turn an either/or into a multiple choice where every option is good. Test it small. Before committing to a degree, take one class. Read five books on one topic this semester. I've had many book ideas that ran out of steam at 10,000 words. That's not failure. That's information. Don't let sacrifice be forever one-sided. There are seasons when one spouse sacrifices for the other. That's healthy, as long as it doesn't stay that way forever. At some point, it has to become the other person's turn. Every time I ask God what or how, He tends to answer with who. Here's who I am. Trust me.   Kevin A. Thompson Your turn When a big decision shows up in your marriage, what's your default? Be honest. Nobody sees your answer but me. When a big decision pops up in your marriage, what's your default reflex? 🚗 The Carpool Lane: we pull over and work through it together 🏃 The Solo Driver: one of us races ahead and makes the call 🛑 Gridlock: we get overwhelmed and avoid deciding at all Go deeper Want to hear Blaine and Adrienne work through this in real time (including a surprise question at the very end)? Listen to "How to Make Big Decisions Together." And if you'd like a refresher on knowing what's truly yours, here's a message I gave on Stay in Your Lane: Stay In Your Lane - Whats Mine? The full decision-making framework, along with the Me, You, and Us model, is in Chapter 11 of The Creation of Us. Get The Creation of Us Grateful to be on the road with you, Kevin P.S. Hit reply and tell me: what's one decision in your home right now that needs both of you in the car? You are receiving the Change The Odds Newsletter because you have subscribed either through kevinathompson.com; changetheodds.com, through attending a conference with Kevin, or by taking the Friends, Partners & Lovers Marriage Assessment. Update your email preferences or unsubscribe here © 2026 Change The Odds 1515 Ridgeview Cir Auburn, CA 95603, United States Powered by beehiiv