October 22, 2026 | Read online

Date Night Isn't Enough

Sometimes you have to take your marriage to the classroom.

Are Your Expectations Hurting Your Marriage?

(Please vote in the poll at the end to help me make a decision that I’m struggling with.)

I ran into a couple the other day. Midway through the conversation, they pulled me to the side for some privacy. Then their need became evident: their marriage was struggling.

I like this couple. They're good people, and I hurt for them. But as I listened to everything that was going on, a thought hit me:

I've been your pastor for five years, and I don't remember you coming to a single class.

Five years. Two major classes per year (we call them Big Wednesday), plus two shorter classes each year. That's about twenty classes on marriage, communication, conflict, and family. Twenty chances to learn something new before things got hard.

They didn't come to any of them.

I'm not saying this to shame them. They aren't unusual. They're normal. And that's the problem.

We Want New Results From Old Habits

Most couples know they need to grow. Ask anyone whether their marriage could be better, and they'll say yes before you finish the question. Everyone needs it. Everyone knows it.

The classes we hold tend to be large (between 200-1200), but by percentage of people the numbers are very low.

We'll make time for date night, and we should. Date nights are important. We'll plan a girls' night or a guys' trip, and we should do those too. Friendship matters. Fun matters. Rest matters.

But too often, we never take our marriage to the classroom. And when nothing new goes in, nothing new comes out.

We can't become new people by doing the same old things. Growth requires learning. Learning requires showing up.

What I've Noticed

After years of teaching classes and counseling couples, I've noticed a pattern. The couples who come to classes are far less likely to call me in a crisis. They're far less likely to sit in my office wondering what went wrong. And I'm far less likely to hear the news no pastor wants to hear: "We're getting a divorce."

Some people assume that's because healthy couples take classes. I think it's the other way around.

Healthy couples don't take classes. Couples who take classes become healthy.

They aren't perfect. They still argue. They still say the wrong thing at the wrong time. But they have words for what's happening, tools for fixing it, and a habit of learning together. When trouble comes, they aren't starting from scratch.

A Taste of the Classroom

I recently taught a class called Say What You Mean. One idea clearly connected. Before any hard conversation, finish three sentences: I think ___. I feel ___. I want ___. Most of us skip that step. We pull up to a hard conversation like a drive-thru without knowing our order, then get frustrated when we get the wrong thing. A wife says, "You never help with the kids." What she means is, "I think our evenings are lopsided. I feel tired and alone. I want us to share bedtime." The first sentence starts a fight. The second starts a conversation. You can't say what you mean until you know what you mean.

I Need This Too

I teach and speak about communication for a living. You would think I'd have it figured out.

I don't.

Talking for a living didn't make me good at communicating. It made me good at talking. Jenny can confirm this. (Please don't ask her for examples.) When I teach a class like Say What You Mean, I'm not the expert at the front of the room. I'm the first student.

If I need to keep learning, so do you. That's not an insult. It's good news. It means your marriage isn't stuck. It can grow.

Scripture says, "Let the wise listen and add to their learning" (Proverbs 1:5). Wise people don't stop learning. They keep adding to what they know.

The Classroom Doesn't Have to Be a Room

When I say "classroom," I don't only mean a church fellowship hall on a Tuesday night. The classroom can be:

A book you read together (The Creation of Us)
An online cohort
A self-paced online class
A small group study
A podcast you listen to on the drive (Like Change the Odds)
A weekend retreat or a marriage conference

The format matters less than the decision. Choose something. Put it on the calendar. Do it together.

Your 2027 Resolution

January is coming, and with it, a lot of resolutions about weight, money, and screen time. Let me suggest one more:

In 2027, take your marriage to the classroom at least once.

Read one book. Attend one retreat. Join one class. Just one.

You don't have to fix everything this year. You just have to learn something new. One new idea, practiced together, can change the direction of a marriage.

Help Me Decide

The Say What You Mean material connected with people, and now I'm trying to figure out what to do with it. Do I teach it again? Turn it into a podcast? Make it a book? Build an online class? (The design in my head was: what would Stay In Your Lane look like if it were about communication?)

I want to put it in whatever form you'll actually use. So tell me: what would help you show up?

If you wanted to learn Say What You Mean in 2027, how would you most likely do it?

Read it as a book

Join a live online cohort

Take a self-paced online class

Go through it with a small group

Listen to it as a podcast series

Attend an in-person class or retreat

Your answer will shape what I create next year.

One Last Thing

Love isn't usually what's missing in struggling marriages. What's missing is learning.

Don't wait for a crisis to start learning. Go to the classroom now, while the marriage is still yours to shape.

And, if you want to suggest what topic would be most useful, respond to this email and let me know.

Blessings,

Kevin

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