The Fight Starts With the Second Jab

Every couple fights. Even the best marriages have moments when we misunderstand each other, lose patience, or let our tone get sharp. But after years of working with couples I've learned something that changes how we see conflict:

The fight doesn't start with the first jab. It starts with the second.

That first jab is usually a reaction born out of fatigue, stress, or frustration. Maybe your spouse sighs or snaps: "Why didn't you do that yet?" It stings, but it's human. The real moment of truth comes next. When you feel that sting, your nervous system fires up. You want to defend yourself. You want to hit back.

And if you do, the argument begins. (See the Podcast for more)

The second blow is what transforms a passing frustration into a full-blown fight. It's the moment we choose retaliation instead of restraint. It's the difference between conflict that heals and conflict that hurts.

I'm not suggesting you should accept disrespect or stay silent forever. But I am saying that maturity means learning to absorb the first hit without returning it. That's what Jesus meant when He said, "Turn the other cheek." It's not weakness; it's wisdom. It's choosing to pause, breathe, and ask, "What's really going on here?"

When your spouse lashes out, they're rarely trying to wound you. More often, they're hurting. Something beneath the surface—stress, fear, exhaustion—has leaked out sideways. If you can absorb that first blow without striking back, you create the space for understanding instead of escalation.

Here's how I try to practice this:

Pause before reacting. Let the words land without firing back.
Name what's happening in me. "That hurt," is more honest than, "You're so rude."
Respond with curiosity. "You okay?" can dissolve defensiveness faster than any argument ever could.
Circle back later. Once emotions settle, have the real conversation about what triggered both of you.

If you can take the first hit and stay grounded, you've changed the entire dynamic. The fight loses its fuel. The relationship gains safety.

Of course, this can't be one-sided. A healthy marriage is two people learning this rhythm together, each taking turns absorbing the first blow, each choosing connection over control.

The first jab may be inevitable. But the second one? That's a choice.

When you resist the urge to retaliate, you're not ignoring the problem, you're breaking the pattern.

That's what strong marriages do.

Because the fight doesn't start with the first jab. It starts with the second.

And when you refuse to throw it, you change the odds.

👉 Listen to this full conversation on Change the Odds: The Podcast, where Blaine, Adrienne, and I unpack why emotional and logical differences lead to misunderstanding, and how to turn everyday conflict into deeper connection.

Stop Saying "He's Logical, She's Emotional"—Try This Instead

Podcast Episode · Change The Odds · 10/08/2025 · 44m

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/change-the-odds/id1724097706?i=1000730737308

Head. Heart. Gut.

Every person has three centers of intelligence and every relationship needs all three.

Your Head helps you think clearly, plan wisely, and seek understanding.
Your Heart allows you to feel deeply, connect meaningfully, and show empathy.
Your Gut drives you to act decisively, protect what matters, and pursue what's right.

When one center dominates and the others go undeveloped, life and love get out of balance. You might overthink and under-feel. You might feel deeply but never act. Or you might act impulsively without reflection or compassion.

Healthy individuals—and healthy marriages—learn to bring all three online.
To think with wisdom.
To feel with empathy.
To act with courage.

I've created a free one sheet for each of these "centers" to help you indvidually and as a couple.

Want a copy?

Click on the Instagram post below and comment "3CENTERS" and it will be sent to you.

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