June 18, 2026 | Read online

The Invisible Weight We Both Carry

A silent-marriage killer very few talk about

(Before we jump into the topic, click HERE if you want to hear the crazy story about a guy nearly attacking me on stage.)

Most couples don’t fail because they stop loving each other. They fail because they get exhausted.

You probably know the feeling. There’s no active anger or big argument with your spouse, there’s just an ocean of fatigue. You feel less like romantic partners and more like hyper-efficient logistical managers running a small corporate enterprise.

There are plenty of external factors contributing to the exhaustion: work, the kids, the schedule, the inflation rate, the news, etc. But there is another culprit which is often unseen in relatoinships.

It’s called The Mental Load. (Listen to our 100th podcast episode HERE)

Twenty years ago, the mental load was completely unrecognized, but over the past few decades conselors and writers have brought to light this reality. It’s not the physical act of a chore; it’s remembering the last time the chore was done and when it needs to be done again. It’s not mowing the yard; it’s knowing if you have enough gas in the lawnmower and enough time after work to get the yard mowed.

The mental load is the infinite, non-stop mental processing required to notice, anticipate, plan, and delegate.

When the cultural conversation turns to the mental load, it is primarily discussed as the hidden weight women carry—tracking grocery shortages while sitting at red lights, managing calendar conflicts weeks in advance, or noticing emotional shifts in the kids. And rightly so; (this semi-colon is proof that Grammarly is helping me with this article) women have unfairly carried an immense, unrecognized cognitive load for generations.

But men carry a heavy weight as well. It might look different. I don’t regularly think about the need to book a dentist appointment for Ella. But I do keep an eye on the stock market to make sure our Roth IRA’s are making some money. I have to remember the due dates for the credit cards (sorry Dave Ramsey) and when was the last time our tires got rotated.

Mental Load can take a couple down in one of two ways:

Most experience it while unaware of its presence. This allows us to endure the consequences of the weight—exhaustion—without the explanation of what’s causing it. So we often end up blaming each other.
Others turn Mental Load into a competitive sport. While recognizing the part that we carry should give us empathy for the aspects that our spouse carries, it’s become the norm to highlight the job I’m doing while ignoring the job my spouse does. This deepens the disconnection.

When we enter a debate over who carries more, we inadvertently step into a transactional relationship style. We pull out the toxic scoreboard, tally up our internal data, and start viewing our spouse as a competitor rather than a teammate.

The goal shouldn't be to see who is more tired. The goal is to acknowledge that you are both carrying an invisible weight.

A thriving marriage requires moving away from the scoreboard and stepping into a sustainable, shared Relationship Rhythm. It starts when we pause to simply recognize the presence of the mental load on both sides. Instead of demanding that our partner carry our specific weight, we must learn to discuss how we can shoulder the collective burdens together—and evaluate the weight our partner is carrying with deep empathy and radical gratitude.

What's the Most Exhausting Mental Load You Carry?

Logistics of our kids (or parents)

Financial pressure and details

Household issues (what's for dinner)

Disconnection in marriage

Expectations--mine, others, etc.

In my upcoming book, The Creation of Us (pre-order now), we dedicate an entire section to diagnosing and dismantling this exact invisible load. A healthy marriage doesn't ask you to grind yourself down to a pulp to keep the peace. It gives you a framework to co-create a secure, shared reality where responsibilities don't feel like a trap, and intimacy doesn't feel like another obligation on your to-do list.

We are officially 6 weeks away from launch day.

Between now and then, the invisible weight isn't going to vanish. The tasks will still stack up, the calendar will remain crowded, and the temptation to pull out the scoreboard will show up every single day.

But over the next six weeks, you have a choice. You can keep playing a competitive sport where nobody wins, or you can begin changing how you look across the couch.

When The Creation of Us officially drops, we are going to dive deep into exactly how couples can unpack these invisible burdens, find alignment, and co-create a sustainable, shared reality. Until then, take a deep breath, look at your teammate, and drop the scoreboard.

The weight is real, but you don't have to carry it alone.

Catch the five-part series on Love Styles over on the Bayside YouTube Channel. It’s a great binge watch/listen on your next road trip.

Love Styles Part 1: Why You Love the Way You Do

When you pre-order, save your receipt. We have some exciting things coming in the next few weeks for those who pre-order. They might include a giveway to a retreat in Napa. And that might be second place. First place could be Maui.

I’m also book Date Nights, Retreats, and The Creation of Us Experiences over the next year. In the next few months, I’ll be in Chicago, Seattle, Palm Springs, Atlanta, and surely somewhere in Arkansas. I’d love to book something near you. Respond to this email if you are interested.

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