Hey Kevin A, |
A few years ago a friend of mine decided he was going to get in shape. He bought the shoes. He watched the videos. He set an alarm for 5:30 a.m. and told me, with real conviction, that this time it was going to stick. |
It lasted nine days. |
Six months later he tried again, except this time he did one thing differently. He joined a group that ran together on Saturday mornings. He didn't have more willpower than before. He didn't want it more. He just put himself in a room where running was the normal thing to do, and slowly, running became the normal thing he did. |
James Clear, who wrote Atomic Habits, makes this point better than I can: one of the most powerful ways to change your behavior is to join a group where the behavior you want is already the norm. Walk into a yoga studio and doing yoga is simply what's happening. You don't have to white-knuckle it. The room is doing half the work. |
Here's the part I can't stop thinking about. |
We accept this everywhere except our marriages. |
We'll join a gym to get healthy. We'll find a small group to grow spiritually. We'll get a running partner, a workout class, a book club, a recovery group. But when it comes to the most important human relationship in our lives, we assume we're supposed to figure it out alone — just the two of us, behind a closed door, hoping we get it right. |
And then we wonder why nothing changes. |
I've sat with couples for over two decades now, and I can tell you what almost every struggling marriage has in common. It isn't a lack of love. It isn't even a lack of desire. It's isolation. Two people trying hard, privately, with no one around them doing the same work. No language for what's happening. No one to say, "Yeah — us too." |
In The Creation of Us, I write about how healing rarely happens in isolation. It happens in community. That's not a soft sentiment; it's how we're built. Our brains are literally shaped by the relationships around us. The people we're near change who we become. |
So let me ask the obvious question: |
What if the fastest way to improve your marriage isn't trying harder, but standing in a different room? |
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Not a room where marriage is a punchline. Not a room where everyone's pretending. A room where working on your marriage is just what people do. Where somebody else names the exact thing you've been too embarrassed to say. Where "we're in counseling" gets a nod instead of a flinch. |
That's the room I want to build. |
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The Creation of Us Cohort — a few spots left |
On August 4, I'm launching a cohort of couples and individuals walking through The Creation of Us together. Not a class. Not a lecture series with me talking at you. A group of people doing the same work at the same time, in the same room. |
Here's what we'll do together: |
Work through the book chapter by chapter, with teaching from me on the ideas that matter most Learn the framework of him, her, and us — and why most marriage advice ignores the third one entirely Identify the barriers running quietly in the background of your relationship Practice real rhythms (attention, repair, rest) with people who'll ask how it went Ask me your actual questions, live
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Enrollment closes soon and only a few spots remain. I'm keeping this group small on purpose: big enough for real conversation, small enough that you're not anonymous. |
Grab your seat first. You'll also want a copy of the book before we start on August 4 — you can pre-order it here — but don't let that slow you down. Get your spot while there's one left. |
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If you've been waiting for the right moment to work on your marriage, this is the moment, and more importantly, this is the room. |
Can't make this cohort? Build your own room. |
The whole point of this email is that you shouldn't do this alone — and the cohort isn't the only way. I've put together a free small group discussion guide for The Creation of Us. Grab it, find three other couples, and start your own group. |
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Before you decide: find out where you actually stand |
Most of us assess our marriage by feel. That's a little like assessing your health by whether you're currently in pain. |
I built The Creation of Us Assessment to give you something better, a clear read on the strength of your "us" across the areas that matter most: attention, attachment, rhythm, communication, repair. |
It takes about ten minutes. It's free. And it's the single best way to know whether this cohort is right for you. |
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Do this: take it separately from your spouse, then compare. The gap between your two answers is usually the most interesting conversation you'll have all month. |
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A one-question check-in |
Before you scroll on, answer this honestly. If you came up with a name, text them today. If you came up blank, that's not a character flaw, it’s just an empty room, and rooms can be filled. |
Who in your life actually knows how your marriage is doing?Be honest — no one sees your answer but me. |
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Try this with Love Styles AI |
If you want to work on something today without waiting for August, here are two prompts to run at LoveStyles.AI: |
Prompt 1 — for the isolation problem: |
"My spouse and I are trying to improve our marriage but we're doing it completely on our own. Help me think through who we could invite into this with us, and what I'd actually say to them." |
Prompt 2 — for the thing you keep circling: |
"There's one recurring argument in my marriage that we never resolve. Ask me questions to help me figure out what it's really about underneath the surface issue." |
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That second one tends to go somewhere unexpected. Give it five minutes of honesty and see what surfaces. |
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Five Things Men Don't Say Out Loud (EP105) |
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🎙️ New Episode: Five Things Men Don't Say Out Loud |
Most men have a running list of things they feel but never say — not because they're dishonest, but because somewhere along the way they learned that saying it out loud costs too much. |
With my cohost out of town this week, the two of us guys decided to put five of those statements on the table and talk through them honestly. No advice from a podium. Just the things men usually don't say: |
"I need you more than I let on." "The safest thing is to need nothing from anybody." "I don't fight. I disappear." "I pick small fights when I feel far away from you." "You're the only person I really talk to, and that scares me."
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We keep coming back to one image from the book: a road that got repaired years ago, but nobody ever took down the detour sign. So you keep driving around it. A lot of what men don't say lives right there — behind a wall that made sense once and doesn't anymore. |
If you're a guy who's felt one of these and never had the words, this one's for you. If you're a wife wondering what's behind the silence, you may want to listen too. |
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Your challenge this week: don't try all five. Pick one and say it out loud to your spouse. |
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One last thought |
You don't have to become a different person to have a different marriage. You mostly just have to stop doing this alone. |
August 4. A few seats left. I'd love for one of them to be yours. |
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Grateful for you, |
Kevin |
P.S. — If you're on the fence, take the assessment first. Ten minutes and you'll know. And if the results make you want to talk it through, reply to this email — I'm around this week. |
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