Stop evaluating your spouse (do this instead)

The one marriage question almost nobody asks — plus our Napa giveaway winner is revealed inside.  ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌

August 06, 2026   |   Read online Stop Evaluating Your Spouse. Start Doing This Instead. Plus: we're announcing the winner of the marriage retreat giveaway (and The Creation of Us is officially here) Hey Kevin A, Before anything else: The Creation of Us is officially out. After years of research, teaching, and more than a few late nights, it's finally in the world. If it's already on your shelf or your Kindle, thank you. That means more than you know. This week on the podcast, Adrienne, Blaine, and I sat down to walk through one of the three angles at the heart of the book. Give it a watch: The Marriage Triangle You Were Taught Is Trash (EP107) Not a YouTube person? You can listen wherever you already get your podcasts — Apple, Spotify, or right from your desktop here. The question almost nobody asks Here's what most of us do without realizing it. We evaluate our marriage by evaluating our spouse. Are they listening to me? Are they leading? Do they have their own friendships and hobbies? Are they doing their part? It feels reasonable. But here's the problem: evaluating your spouse has almost no return on investment. If I sit back and grade Jenny, I've put myself in a position where I have no control and no ability to change anything. Worse, if my evaluation of her comes back low, it quietly becomes my excuse: see, this is why our marriage isn't working, and it's on her. So on this week's episode, I want to flip the question entirely. Instead of asking "How well is my spouse doing at being who they should be?" ask this: Am I creating a climate where my spouse can flourish? Notice the difference. One question leaves you standing in judgment with nothing to do. The other hands you action steps you can actually take today. What this looks like in real life I hear it constantly. A husband says, "I want my wife to have friendships like I have, hobbies like I have, she just never goes and does it." And then he quietly judges her for not having them. What he never asks is: Am I carrying enough of the load to give her the freedom, the time, and the space to actually go do it? It's not your job to get your spouse friends. It's your job to create the space where friendships can happen. Big difference. Early in our marriage, Jenny and I made a simple rule: answer every request with "yes" if at all possible. "Can I play golf Saturday?" Yes — now how do we make it work? "I need four hours this week." Great, where does that go? Most of the time, with a little intentionality, the answer really can be yes for both of you. And here's the real test for the golfers among us: your spouse gives you four hours to go do the thing you love. When was the last time you gave them four hours to do theirs? Not "you and the kids go have fun" — actual, protected, kid-free space to be themselves. One more piece I don't want you to miss. Creating a climate isn't just about time, it's about safety. Jay Stringer talks about leading with kindness and curiosity. Do you create a space where your spouse can share their raw, unedited thoughts without you rushing to fix them or quietly judging them? Or have they learned to edit themselves around you because the wrong word might set something off? A marriage where one person is always bracing is a marriage where one person slowly disappears. So which is it for you? Quick pulse check before you read on. The whole book is built on three angles — him, her, and us — and most couples lean hard toward struggling with one side. I'm genuinely curious where you land: Where does your marriage feel the most strain right now? Be honest — there's no wrong answer. This helps me shape what we cover next. Our sense of connection — the "us" Keeping our own identities — the "him" and "her" Both, honestly Neither — we're in a good rhythm Your answer actually shapes what we cover next week — so vote honestly. See where your marriage actually stands Most of us assess our marriage by feel, which is a little like assessing your health by whether you happen to be in pain right now. There's a better way. The Creation of Us Assessment is a short, free tool (about three minutes) that shows you exactly where the two of you stand across the areas that matter most, including the "climate" question we just talked about. Take it separately from your spouse and compare answers over coffee. That conversation alone is worth the three minutes. Take the Free Assessment → 🎉 Congratulations, Julie Bley! We have a winner. Julie Bley is headed to Napa for the couples marriage retreat. Congratulations, Julie, we could not be more thrilled for you and your husband. And what a response this was. We had entries from 17 states and 3 countries. That's a lot of couples deciding to be intentional about their marriage, and every single one of you is the reason this launch mattered. Thank you for entering, and thank you for being here. One more thing worth seeing If you know me, you know I don't get worked up about much. Ask Jenny, I'm pretty even-keeled about most things in life. But every now and then something matters enough that I can't stay measured about it, and this was one of those moments. kevin_a_thompson12K followers   14 likes & 0 comments kevin_a_thompson Forget the cheesy marriage triangle. The Creation of Us reveals a truer path: Him, her, and us with God in all of it. #TheCreationOfUs". Add a comment... Here's the thing to carry into this week: you don't have to change your spouse to change your marriage. You mostly just have to change the climate they're living in and that part is entirely in your hands. Your marriage doesn't change by accident. It changes by choice. Make one today. Blessings, Kevin P.S. If you only click one link today, make it the assessment. Three minutes from now, you'll know exactly which angle to work on first. You are receiving the Change The Odds Newsletter because you have subscribed either through kevinathompson.com; changetheodds.com, through attending a conference with Kevin, or by taking the Friends, Partners & Lovers Marriage Assessment. Update your email preferences or unsubscribe here © 2026 Change The Odds 1515 Ridgeview Cir Auburn, CA 95603, United States Powered by beehiiv